I spent this morning looking for verses to justify my anger. Trying to figure out how to handle and deal with the fact that I’m just plain pissed off.
Angry that a child who slept next to my child in the orphanage, is now in a hospice house because his medical care was so bad.
Angry about doctor visits for Israel that have words like, “non-repaired” and “medical neglect”. Phrases about my son being a miracle, because he should be dead. Words that puncture and inflame because who wants to hear about their child “surviving against all odds and all neglect”.
Angry that my child can only eat pureed food and liquid because it’s easier and faster than actually feeding him real food. He has missed a learning window and will have to learn to chew and swallow.
Angry his head is misshapen from lying for hours in a crib.
Angry that he is four years old and acts like he is 2, because he never left four walls. He has been so deprived of outside stimulation that every single thing he experiences is new.
Angry that he will suddenly lay his head down and weep big tears of sadness from being overwhelmed. My child is overwhelmed by being in a “normal home”.
Angry that his file states severe brain issues that he doesn’t have, in order to justify his placement in a section where no children talk or interact. A section meant for children to quietly pass away.
Angry that they pick and choose “sections” for children. Section of Malformations. Sections of Retardation, Sections of …
Angry that he has suffered in ways I can never imagine and I can never understand.
Rage over the injustice, the maltreatment and how ineffectual I feel.
Last night, I called my friend Jackie who is sitting with her son, Reed. We have spoken often over the months and this is such an incredibly difficult time for her. Reed was in the “Section of Malformations” with Israel at the orphanage in Eastern Europe. Reed was also born with Spina bifida, but due to “medical neglect,” he is dying. Right now, he is in a hospice house being made comfortable until he passes. In a very short time, Reed will leave his mother’s arms. I expected to uplift my friend and instead I was given a beautiful lesson. Jackie called me out on my anger. How embarrassing right? I’m supposed to call and encourage her and she tells me not to let my anger turn to bitterness.
Reed’s mother is not angry. She is not raging over the injustice that is taking her son. She is sitting in the very presence of God as she loves the boy who will soon step into His arms. Jackie is walking her son home and soon his broken body will be whole and new. He will walk, run and leap. She is not angry; she is rejoicing that God has allowed her to be a part of Reed’s life. God is using Reed for His glory and Jackie has a front row seat. She is sitting still in the beauty of this heart-breaking moment and allowing God to carry her.
What am I doing? I’m being angry and it’s not helping.
So I turned to the Bible and found this verse…
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. Ephesians 4:26
So I reflect on this and allow myself to be angry, but I also am striving to see that God has a bigger plan than this emotion called anger. Israel has had horrible and hard things happen, but that is what God is choosing to shape him and also to shape me.
And then I received a picture… a beautiful portrait of what I am supposed to be doing… This picture is of my beautiful friend Jackie cutting Reed’s hair. He is getting “handsome” to go meet Jesus.
My job is to help my children to get ready to meet Jesus someday. As a parent, there is no greater joy than knowing that my children chose to follow the Savior. Someday we will all face death and it’s sting, and we won’t be standing in righteous indignation. We won’t be in misery because of life’s circumstances. We will be on our knees before our King and I hope I will look as beautiful as Reed and will handle it with the grace and trust that my dear friend, Jackie does. Because in the Kingdom of God, the last shall be first and the humble and the weak will be exalted.
So, I’m letting go of the anger and making myself ready,