I’m about to post something very offensive and I might actually lose some friends. CATS kind of creep me out….
When I met my husband, I realized that we were on opposite ends of this CAT issue. I really thought this was no big deal. I mean really we agreed on so many important things, like child-raising, and church, and how I should be the one to choose paint colors. He also agreed that the sectional couch, armoire and the treadmill I found on craigslist was really a good deal, even if he had to haul it 50 plus miles strapped to the back of his truck and then pack it up the stairs. The cat issue seemed like a non-issue. But, this is where I was so wrong. My dislike for cats is matched by my husbands love for cats. And so in a moment of weakness, with my children and husband begging for two kittens, I begrudgingly said “ok”, because the alternative was for his classroom snake, Roxy, to come to our home. And there was no way this was going to happen again. Yes, I said the word “again” in relation to a snake residing in my home, but that is a whole other post about Cinderella,the 13 foot Burmese Python. And, I digress.
Really, I thought that the two kittens would not last a year as we live in a rural area and they would be outside cats. I was hesitant to even name them, because by my calculations they would be missing in 6 months. But, on a fateful day we added Ninja and Mr. Cuddles to the family. Two male cats that would bring love and joy to our home. I’ve seen the cat food commercials and I know what it’s supposed to look like. Once, again I was sooo wrong. These two cats are like super hero, indestructible ninjas. They absolutely have 9 lives, plus a few more. My cats are not normal and I actually believe that Ninja is a little “touched”. As an example, he tried to get “friendly” with my best friend’s arm while she sat visiting one morning. Literally he was humping her arm while she was drinking coffee on my couch. In absolute horror, I jumped up and swatted at the cat and he gave a guttural growl and stalked off all pissed that I’d interrupted a special moment. I actually googled this to see if it was a normal cat behavior or maybe he was missing something from his diet… NEVER GOOGLE “CAT SEXUAL BEHAVIORS”!!! And also now it’s on my internet record. I have a little bit of fear about this and my internet searches that start out innocently and really take a wrong turn, I’m sure a record is kept somewhere deep within the government. So, deep inside I hold a very dark secret….I hope my cats will maybe run away.
Two years ago I was pulling from my driveway and saw Mr. Cuddles smashed in the road. I quickly took an opposite route to school because there was no way I could drive past the family pet squished in the road. I could only imagine the weeping as my kids walked into school. Growing up with me as their mother, I’m sure they will have plenty of issues to discuss with their therapists when they are adults, a squished family pet is one thing I don’t want to add. I dropped the kids at school and drove back home. Like any good mother, I knew I needed to bury the cat before my children came home from school. In my work clothes and high heels, I grabbed a shovel and weaved through highway traffic to scoop our beloved Mr Cuddles off the road. I even felt a tiny bit sad. I, then buried the cat and hurried to my car so I wouldn’t be too late for work. I let my husband know and went about my work day. When I arrived home, guess who met me at the door? Yes, Mr Cuddles was alive. At first, I had a whole Steven King, Pet Sematary moment and was about to pack and move. Then reality set in and I realized that I had buried someone else’s cat. Yes, I had scooped someone’s beloved cat off the road and buried him while wearing high heels and dress pants.
Within the first year of Ninja and Mr Cuddles joining us, I realized that my husband, a biology major had not picked two male cats. So now we have a female cat and a male cat that are “friendly”. You can guess what ensued…. Mr. Cuddles is extremely fruitful in her multiplying. And Murphy’s Law states that the moment I pay to have her fixed, is the moment she disappears. So, we have become cat breeders and our litters are popular and sought after. I mean who wouldn’t want an indestructible cat that might be just a little “touched”. And by the way, I have 7 new kittens available in 3 weeks.